Hello to all my sweet praying friends. After a whirlwind couple of days I am not feeling ready to post, but need to tell you all what the Lord has done for us, and in doing so, remind myself in this emotional state, of God's preserving hand on my life.
Saturday was the day. Early Saturday morning was the scariest moment of my life and to be very honest, I am still having trouble sleeping at night, just remembering what took place, like some sort of post traumatic stress. As most of you know, hemorrhaging was always an issue with the complete placenta previa that I had and that is indeed what happened. As Joel mentioned, he ALWAYS stayed close to home for just such a purpose, and how God orchestrated things that morning is beyond us. Two things I knew: One, I KNEW that it was going to happen a few moments before it did. I even prayed and asked the Lord if it could be some other day because I had not slept well and was so tired. I told Him I did not think I could handle it being so exhausted! I rolled over in bed with my eyes still closed, just having spoken to Him in quiet prayer and then it happened. The other thing I knew was that God in his mercy allowed me to be in the right place at the right time. My sweet friend had had the SAME thing happen to her many years previous. She has many years experience in the medical field, she is calm under pressure and would know what to do when. I also knew that I would not have wanted Joel to have seen how awful it was. So those two things I knew.
To be honest not until today, talking with my friend again, did the Lord allow me to "see" how bad things really were that day. When the EMT arrived, I was lying on the floor in my own blood. Now for someone who has never had a similar circumstance this is just unimaginable, and I believe that now that the worst is behind me my emotions are "catching up" to what has happened to them. Blood was everywhere, and was not stopping. I had called Joel and my doctor and then lay there praying, waiting, and feeling this almost "auto pilot" experience of the Lord taking over and working. Again the Lord himself whispered to me early that morning that this was going to happen, so I was not surprised. Scared, yes, but I lay there thinking many things and one of them was that God knew.
Another amazing moment was when the nurses were coming in and out of my room prepping me for surgery, I prayed out loud, for the surgeon, for the anesthesiologist, and for God to be a very ready help in time of trouble. Scared, yes, but together..THIS was God and God alone. I looked at my friend and Joel and told them that they were going to "put me under" and I was alright with that. Just THEN the anesthesiologist came back into the room and told us that he was indeed going to use general anesthesia. GOD told me before he even decided and I KNEW. Joel and my friend were stunned.
Many many times I have wondered what it would be like to be wheeled into surgery, with the circumstances horrific and saying goodbye to Joel. NEVER did I dream it would be like what took place that morning. Remember, I am still actively bleeding which they cannot stop, I and scared yes, but supernaturally being led....yes LED by God. So far He has told me each coming step and with eyes of faith, I touched Joel's face and looked at him as seriously as I ever have and told him I KNEW I would be ok. God told me. I wasn't crying at all this whole time, not at the house, in the ambulance, or the hospital and now not being wheeled off to major surgery. I was trying to reassure Joel. I didn't want him to fear. God was working so mightily, that it wasn't until right before I was put under that I began to become emotional. Was God still there, yes very much so, and I closed my eyes and hung every ounce of faith I had on Him.
Recovery is all a blur for me, or was until this morning when I spoke with my friend who filled me in on what took place. She, again has worked in the medical field and with an EMT for a husband knows when things are looking pretty grim. She estimates that I lost about a gallon of blood and could not tell me how I looked without crying. She said my blood pressure was very close to going into shock and she said every hour she prayed for God himself to spare my life. Do you know how humbling that is to hear... to know? That people were praying for God to keep you on the earth, because they love you that much?? It is more than I can express in writing. Maybe if you come over I will cry for an hour and you might get the idea... Joel sat by my side, seeing me white as a ghost, barely able to speak, and fed me ice. He told me that one thing that was so interesting to him was that, while the doctors and nurses were taking care of me.....(a lot can be said here, but know that my uterus was not working properly because of the placenta coming first. It actually had to be cut through to get to the baby, and so my uterus was not contracting like it should have to slow blood loss down. This was the most excruciating pain I have ever had. Ever.) I would apologise to them. One time I grabbed a nurses hand because I was trying to stop her, only to apologise to her for doing so. THIS was the Lord working, this is something that can only be described by His presence.
The pain was excruciating. When I was able to eat for the first time, I noticed that I chipped my tooth and that my jaw was only able to open a little ways, because I had clenched it so tight in pain. And there was a time, in a dark corner room, when in pain I felt all alone. I out loud asked God, "Why are you so far from helping me???" I did feel alone. But I wasn't. And through my friend telling me that God Himself saved my life, I now know that though at that moment I could not "Feel" Him leading and guiding, He most certainly had and would certainly continue to watch over me.
Finally we met with the surgeon who described the surgery site as what a "gun shot wound" would look like. He also informed us that in a "normal" surgery he uses 2 boxes of sutures, or pre-made needles for stitches, and in my case he used 15. I was hearing and not believing. He also said that I would need more blood, and was not out of the woods. This was a very deep valley for me. I spoke very candidly to God, and let me tell you, that before I have spoken about getting things right with Him. Making amends where He leads, and friend when you are in this position, you will be glad you did. I searched my heart, and NOW the tears came. I asked Him where I might have displeased Him, and there was nothing. I then pleaded with Him, asking Him to allow me to get through this, frequently telling Him that I could not handle any more. Joel asked me if I wanted him to read to me from the Bible and in in doubtful spirit, wondering why God had indeed allowed things to happen this way, shook my head "no." He read anyway, and the words fell like water on dry and barren land, washing away any despair I had hidden in my heart. God knew I still loved Him, He knew I still trusted Him.
Alayna was thriving despite these terrible situations. She was given some chest compressions at birth to make sure she would not stop breathing, and was never without oxygen. Did you grasp that? Even with all that trauma, bleeding and not being able to get to her first, she never lacked for oxygen. GOD sustains.
I am weak, swollen, very swollen, and sore, but God saved my life. He gave me life as an infant. He gave me eternal life as a young adult, and friends HE saved my life on Saturday and continues to sustain me moment by moment. The last few nights the horror of everything has robbed my sleep, but we are looking to God to continue to help and know that this earthly body just had more than it emotionally can handle. Today recounting what had happened moment by moment with my friend, being able to see the stable, leading, loving hand of God in and through each situation has brought more healing than I could have imagined. Sometimes others can see God working even when you cannot. And He saw fit to allow me the complete joy of seeing Him in all of the circumstances and for that I praise Him. Again through tears, this is more for me and for my emotional healing and help than for you all, but I would be wrong to not be open and honest, sharing what God has done, and what He alone continues to do. I cannot fully express the magnitude of blessing your prayers and concern for me have been. Only God can bless you adequately for them and I am asking Him now to do so in a way that I never could this side of heaven.
2Co 1:10 Who delivered us from so great a death, and doth deliver: in whom we trust that he will yet deliver us;