Tuesday, May 10, 2011

In the multitude of my thoughts within me thy comforts delight my soul. Psalm 94:19

Hello all.

Yes, you four are worth me staying up wee hours of the morning to catch you up to speed with the Royalty clan.

A lot of soul searching goin' on lately. I think we ladies have times that are like that. It is almost like we are stuck in this cloud of thoughts that we must work through to proceed with the daily grind as we know it.

This is not a bad thing.

This is just a long thing.

I heard someone say once that all of your life's experiences change you as the years roll along.

I scrunched up my face, tilted my head to the side and wondered if I really had changed so much.

I didn't think I had.

Not with the birth of my children,

Not with the financial set backs,

Not with the hospital stays with my children,

Not with the third world country excursion,

Not with anything.

I could still laugh about the same old things,

Still liked the same favorite colors,

Still wanted to be the person I grew up loving and imitating their handwriting,

Still secretly loved poetry much more than I would ever confess,

Still loved making things with my hands,

Still wondered if I could ever measure up in just about every area you can imagine.

And lately the Lord has been prodding, pushing me to get out of where I have been, and made me look at where I have come from, and where He alone is taking me on this wonderfully sweet journey of life.

Months ago now in a phone conversation someone I love said something that sent me a crushing blow.

To understand the weight of this you must know that growing up I took a particular interest, love to be more direct, in the arts.

I was a Freshman in Senior plays, interviewed for the newspaper, on traveling drama teams, had the red carpet rolled out for me. I had dreams of acting in college until I realized it would go no further only to then transfer my energies to writing. Of course I knew I would have to take some low paying journalism job until my big break, but I was sure someone would find my banter fresh and new and use me for something great, somewhere.

In eighth grade someone else was waiting for me, with even greater dreams for me. He rescued me from a party that would have robbed me of my testimony and scared me for the rest of my life. He then prompted me to chose the road less traveled and gave me a new set of clothes for the journey.

I changed.

Teachers pleaded, scholarships looked promising, parents questioned, friends forsook me.

But I had changed.

I folded up my jeans, closed my yearbook and stepped out in faith with my new partner.

So much has happened since then.

This call, the words......... "could have done so much." Stung.

To be honest, the tears still come just typing it. I was mad, I was hurt, I questioned myself, my life, my decisions.

It has taken me months to heal from that wound that smarted. Oh how it smarted.

A horrid feeling of waste just swept over me for days. For months.

In a few weeks time I had been able to witness two souls heading to their true home. A course had been charted for them and they were nearing the finish line.

I used this time, watching them, holding their hand, listening to them breathe, to search my own soul. And I found such worth in my life. Not to many, but to the one who matters most.

I cannot tell you what healing this has been for me. I think I am still in the process of fully understanding what it means to be in the will of God.

To have purpose.

I think until I was challenged, I hadn't seen this life with my spiritual eyes for longer than I care to confess to.

I spoke to God, I poured my heart out to Him. I gave Him my plans, my dreams all over again. I wept going through each obstacle that life had thrown at me again in my memory. Each joy, each small victory, each defeat. All of these had drawn me to Him, a splash of color on this beautiful picture that God was creating of my life.

And after a long, long time I finally saw myself as beautiful.

This Mother's Day was the hardest for me I think. Navigating Motherhood is not easy. I have made such mistakes along the way,

but I am trying.

Joel used my life in his sermon Sunday morning. He, not knowing that my heart was searching through the past, brought up the very things I was pondering, and unrolled the canvas of my days, and the way I had chosen to go while even a teen.

My mouth just fell open. Here he was, vindicating me, almost just for my hearing alone.

I chose right.

I chose right.

My life is worthwhile, and friend so is yours.

Friend, rest in the wonderful thought that there is no "could have" with God.

at the end of my days it will not matter what this vapor has shown the world.

I have chosen the better part.

No, scratch that.

He has chosen me.

After all, what greater honor is there than that?

Just a thought.