Monday, November 5, 2012

What a Doll!

The sun has set.

The littles are running around Joel underfoot in his shop as he finds his creative "out" for the afternoon.

And I mine.

Been a while.

Sometimes I wonder if I am creative anymore, and worth reading, my corner worth writing about. I don't force things. Especially this. I force enough of my life sad to say, and I want this space to be where I can reach a hand out to a weary Mom and say, I hear you.


And I want to do that when the Lord prompts only.

Not when I have an amazing new soup recipe that you must try or feel like complaining. I am not faulting those who do. I am just saying that that is not what I have designated this space for.

And the lady she tells me, "You should write!" and the husband, sweet lovely husband prods, "You should write!"

But until today I hadn't heard from my Father saying, "You should write!"

And I did and here I am.

Today I am ordering something that I have so desired for my oldest girl.

She has desired it too, but I pretend not to notice and make a big deal when in reality I would eat Ramen Noodles for dinner for a month to make it happen for her.

But THAT'S between you and me.

Not today though. Today I have scrimped and hemmed pants and have even asked for some family donations from gracious Grandparents to bring it to pass at loooong last.

Tonight I order my daughter her first American Girl doll.

And probably her only one too. And that is not a bad thing.

But it is a wonderful thing that this time and place are finally here.

And I sit at the computer and look and plan and almost get teary-eyed at the thought of her seeing it, holding it, opening it on her 12th birthday.

Twelve blessed blessed years to know her.

And I tear as I type now thinking of she who made us all so happy coming into our lives, making us less selfish, able to enjoy pink things, keeping us thinking, praying, praising God for one who is well beyond her years.

An old soul someone has called her.

I think they are right. A sweet soul. One who serves and cleans and gives and gives and has become such a friend to laugh and cry with.

She is my right arm, my encourager to keep going and my reminder of how God loves us so.

Her name was chosen before we were even married. "Abigail."

I carried a card with her name on it in my Bible through my last months of college before becoming a Mrs. No one but us two knew. Knew we longed for a baby girl of our very own. With her father's crooked teeth and my eyes and his heart and my crazy hair.

And just filled to the brim with goodness.

That came from HIM.

And she grew and grew and trusted the Lord and how we rejoiced to know that we can enjoy her at home and now in heaven too. And I just  know she will be there too telling me that the soup wasn't THAT bad at all....

And her 11th birthday is arriving and I want to bless her so.

Who doesn't want to bless their children with goodness just dripping with more goodness upon goodness?

And the catalogue with the torn edges that has been carried from room to room will finally be able to rest on the shelf. Tonight I will rejoice to press a button to order and just wait and giggle and feel lovely knowing that she will feel so loved and special.

And as I was making dinner  and sighing and smiling and thinking about how wonderful it is to bless my girl the Lord came and met me.

Right in the kitchen.

"Don't you know that I desire to bless you too?"

 My hand stopped stirring and my heart pounded.

All of my excitement turned to wondering if the God of the Universe could feel just as I feel towards my daughter,

towards His.

And my heart soared. It literally soared to think of how He loves me. I am counting the ways and giving him thanks and he is sitting in heaven only desiring to give me good gifts. He is smiling and rejoicing over me as if it was my gift on my 12th birthday that He was secretly planning.

And He sings at the thought of us being together in heaven forever, and loves that I have some of his attributes. His eye for beautiful things, his heart for those who need to know him, his hands reaching out to those who need help.

And again I am brought to tears to think of how he loves me. His daughter.

And I have to think hard about it. I know me, my faults and failures and things that would make any person crazy aggravated.

And he reminds me of my daughter's flaws. He sweetly reminds me that I love her anyway forever and always and always.

Why is it hard for me to transfer how I love her to how he loves me?

So hard.

She will receive her doll, and know of our love and I will keep the journal open, counting the ways he showers me with gifts each day that remind me of  His love for me.......