Thursday, July 9, 2009

Looking for my rock.......

We are weary. I am weary. I am ready for Alayna to come home, yet not ready as she is so small I would probably just stand over her and worry for hours on end! We really are getting to the end of ourselves, being still unable to function as a complete family.

Alayna is 34 weeks old now and still needs time to mature. This means trips to the hospital daily, running milk, finding someone to sit with the kids since they cannot go in and so on. Coming off of almost 7 weeks of bed rest to now still not be all together is just too much to bear at times. Yesterday we were at the hospital and while we were there a sweet couple from our church had just had their first little boy. I was happy for them and congratulated their parents waiting to get their first glimpse of their new grandson. It wasn't until we got out into the parking garage that the tears came. I was happy, and still am happy. The tears were because I also wanted to take my baby home, hold her and have our family all together like theirs would soon be.

The other day we got to the hospital, scrubbed up and went into the intermediate nursery to see Alayna only to find that she was not there! They had moved her upstairs and never told us. We hurried upstairs only to find she was in a normal hospital room, which she SHARED with another family. When we walked in, she was by the window, in the dark, just laying there while this other young couple watched some loud tv show. We were heartbroken. I just kept thinking that if she can sit there while this family watched tv SURELY she can come to our home to rest and be quiet. Needless to say, we were not happy with the changes that were made and that we never were made aware of them and so back downstairs she went and now resides. We had tried to bottle feed her only to find that she is just not ready. She is being fed via a tube in her nose, which sounds awful, but really is no big deal. I would rather have her fed that way and wait until she is ready to nurse or bottle feed than try to hurry things along.

With that said, I am ready to shed the stress of everything going on and be a functioning family unit again. A sweet friend of mine was such an encouragement to me when she told me that though this situation may not be as horrible as someone else's, it is still "our mountain to climb." I love that phrase. Yes it is not a life or death situation, but it is our mountain, OUR situation and no one else's. I am slowly coming together again. I feel fine, do a little too much and spend the night with chills and so tired that I have to lay with my eyes closed because I have no energy left. It is going to be a much slower rebound than any other surgery and that also is discouraging.

And with THAT said, :) I leave you with a favorite verse. Ps 61:2 "From the end of the earth will I cry unto thee, when my heart is overwhelmed: lead me to the rock that is higher than I."

Right now I am looking for that rock, and getting ready to climb up it and get above all of this. It will be good to just stand and look all around and see where we are headed, not what we are presently wading in.


  1. I pray for you all day everyday, Deena. I would have been FURIOUS if I had found one of my babies in a room with someone else like you did! Reading that made me so angry. Thank you for the update. It really does help all the way around to know better how to pray. I wish I could somehow be more of an encouragement to you. I wish I was there to drop in and have a cup of tea, and laugh with you so as to lighten the burden even for just a little while. And while I was there, I'd clean your bathroom really quick and do your dishes, too! Keep on looking up, my sweet friend. I hope we can get together sometime soon!

  2. Hello sweet friend,

    You and your entire family are in my prayers. Just know that we are lifting you up to our Lord fervently...I hope that helps a bit on your climb.

    Love you, Deidre

  3. Deena, that is my one of my absolute favorite verses!!! My daughter Ashley was born at 34 weeks, as I told you before, and was also fed with a feeding tube for a little while as it was hard for her to acutally take a bottle or nurse. But praise the Lord with time, she did just fine;) I know it is very hard not to have her at home right now, but she is under God's watch and care, and I know with time she will be strong and full of energy before you know it! Keep your chin up and continually lean on God's promises as He always pulls through for us no matter what! Praying for you, the family, and Alayna. Love, Andrea

  4. Deena,
    I am praying for Alayna, for you, for your hubby and kids, for strength and guidance and long suffering. Jesus is there every moment, just lean on Him! He will carry you. He will hold you. He is holding Alayna even when you can't. He is the great Physician. He is love. We are praying and thinking of you often with friendship and love! ~Mary & family