We are weary. I am weary. I am ready for Alayna to come home, yet not ready as she is so small I would probably just stand over her and worry for hours on end! We really are getting to the end of ourselves, being still unable to function as a complete family.
Alayna is 34 weeks old now and still needs time to mature. This means trips to the hospital daily, running milk, finding someone to sit with the kids since they cannot go in and so on. Coming off of almost 7 weeks of bed rest to now still not be all together is just too much to bear at times. Yesterday we were at the hospital and while we were there a sweet couple from our church had just had their first little boy. I was happy for them and congratulated their parents waiting to get their first glimpse of their new grandson. It wasn't until we got out into the parking garage that the tears came. I was happy, and still am happy. The tears were because I also wanted to take my baby home, hold her and have our family all together like theirs would soon be.
The other day we got to the hospital, scrubbed up and went into the intermediate nursery to see Alayna only to find that she was not there! They had moved her upstairs and never told us. We hurried upstairs only to find she was in a normal hospital room, which she SHARED with another family. When we walked in, she was by the window, in the dark, just laying there while this other young couple watched some loud tv show. We were heartbroken. I just kept thinking that if she can sit there while this family watched tv SURELY she can come to our home to rest and be quiet. Needless to say, we were not happy with the changes that were made and that we never were made aware of them and so back downstairs she went and now resides. We had tried to bottle feed her only to find that she is just not ready. She is being fed via a tube in her nose, which sounds awful, but really is no big deal. I would rather have her fed that way and wait until she is ready to nurse or bottle feed than try to hurry things along.
With that said, I am ready to shed the stress of everything going on and be a functioning family unit again. A sweet friend of mine was such an encouragement to me when she told me that though this situation may not be as horrible as someone else's, it is still "our mountain to climb." I love that phrase. Yes it is not a life or death situation, but it is our mountain, OUR situation and no one else's. I am slowly coming together again. I feel fine, do a little too much and spend the night with chills and so tired that I have to lay with my eyes closed because I have no energy left. It is going to be a much slower rebound than any other surgery and that also is discouraging.
And with THAT said, :) I leave you with a favorite verse. Ps 61:2 "From the end of the earth will I cry unto thee, when my heart is overwhelmed: lead me to the rock that is higher than I."
Right now I am looking for that rock, and getting ready to climb up it and get above all of this. It will be good to just stand and look all around and see where we are headed, not what we are presently wading in.