Hello all, it is 2:30, some kiddos are napping, some are outside playing with schoolwork done and some are still trying desperately to complete a ONE PAGE BOOK REPORT. Bless his heart the little perfectionist! I am reflective, yes in the infamous chair, with my favorite throw that Mel-o-dy gave me one Christmas and has no idea that it has been one of my absolute mostest favoritest things. Chicken and Dumplings is simmering on the stove and my pile of ironing is giving me that, "Uh... Hello we are still sitting here..!" look. I am not making eye contact hiding behind my laptop. Maybe it will forget I am here.
Soo much has transpired in the last week and I am going to try to recap. (Pause to review book report finally finished...) It has been an emotional rollercoaster to be sure.
Last week, Tuesday to be exact the Lord had been working on me from a sermon I heard, which I hope to post soon, gotta enlist Hubby for tecnical help. It is from a Conference, a Holiness Conference and it is about having a clean heart. I always shudder when I hear someone speak from Psalm 139:23 "Search me, O God, and know my heart: try me, and know my thoughts:" I was told by my Mom a long time ago that I have "THE WORST conscience" she had ever heard of. At the time she told me that I was on one end of a payphone in Indiana, telling her I could not come home for Thanksgiving, from college, because I had turned myself in for some dumb thing that the Holy Spirit would not leave me alone about. She, though she did not know what it was, would attest that it was indeed dumb and I was a close second for turning myself in. But....... that is me. I am sensitive all the way through. So here I am listening to this message and someone comes to mind......someone I had a bad spirit towards for a.long.time. I finished the sermon, got busy thinking I could silence the "voice" and forgot it for a while. Then Tuesday came and we had a Ladies Meeting......this person was there......"Talk to her. Tell her." the voice pleaded......."NO WAY JOSE.." I sweetly replied. I was in such turmoil of spirit that by the time I left I was weepy, and irritable and mad at myself for being such a chicken and not wanting a clean heart once and for all! I hung my head, sheepishly smiled at ladies leaving and waited for my Husband to arrive and get me.
My Husband had just painted a bus and it was out at the farm and he wondered if I could go take him out to pick it up to bring back to church. Sure. So in the van, I blasted Patch the Pirate sing-a-long in the back so I could have some "quiet time" with Joel and tell him ALL that was going on. I tried to be stoic with him and was glad I did not have to look him in the eye and tell him all that I was telling him. I told him I knew what God wanted me to do and was just praying that there was some other way to have a clean heart. He so gently understood, and could see how vexed I was just waring with my flesh to try to gain enough courage to finally give in to the Holy Spirit. All the kiddos wanted to ride with him on the big red bus and that left me in the van alone for the 10 minute drive with a few options.
I turned off the tape, grabbed the cell phone and had the number dialed before we even left the driveway. It was busy. "Oh well!" said my flesh, "Try her cell before you lose your nerve," said my spirit. So I did. It rang, she answered and the biggest lump in my throat rose.
It was terribly difficult, painful, humbling and incredibly frightening. But it was the right thing to do. At moments like that I always wonder why on earth I insist on wearing mascara and eyeliner. I cried and cried and confessed the sin of my pride and hung up just as we were pulling into the church to gather everyone and head home. I felt as if the weight of the world was lifted, and though I did not tell Joel what had happened until after the kids were in bed and I fell into the blue chair, I was at peace at last.
I want God to use me. I want Him to bless me. I need His forgiveness and that was what prompted me to do some "Spring Cleaning."
That was Tuesday of last week. That Friday I went out soul-wining and knocked on the door of a woman who was meeting with Mormons on a regular basis and was scheduled to have joined their ranks a week previous, when they found out she had had a cup of coffee (seriously...no joke) and called off her baptism into the Mormon church. Then my friend Laurie and I showed up! She had THAT DAY been searching for THE TRUTH, and we were almost dumbstruck at the providence God had laid in our lap. I listened intently to her story, her want for wisdom, and pointed her to the Lord, left her materials, but KNEW that the Holy Spirit did not want me to ask her to make a decision. Here she was, ready, willing, and here I am just leaving and smiling and walking back to our car. Laurie must think I made the biggest mistake! But as we left and got in the car, here came her husband, home from work several hours before his usual expected time, and he had been upset about this "Cult" that she was being led into. If we had stayed to pray with her, he would have walked in and stumbled upon us, thinking she was being led astray again to some new religion.
Laurie smiled and told me she also knew it was best and that rejoiced my heart. Back at church I was overjoyed that the Lord had allowed us to be a part of delivering that wisdom from the Lord in His perfect plan and timing. ( I have to add here that Thursday evening I had stayed up until 1 AM reading a biography of Isobel Kuhn and in my heart longed to see people so hungry for the Gospel as in her day in China......little did I know what was to transpire the very next day!) I shared with Joel what had happened and told him that I knew that this meeting would not have happened had I not made a phone call on Tuesday. He smiled, and in my heart I knew it was the truth.
Last night, at our Wed evening service, guess who walked thru the door??? Yep, my new friend...looking for me! She sat with me in church and somehow her just sitting by me made me sing a little louder and happier. During the invitation she leaned over and said, "So do I just go up there...." and the rest friends is history.......HIS-STORY that is. God is so good.
Life is not about what you can do. It is about what God can do through a clean heart. Got some Spring Cleaning to do? You know, I am beginning to see that most of what we struggle with in our Christian lives is not a matter of knowing what God wants us to do, or not do, it is a struggle with our own will.......it is more of a matter of obedience, just doing it. But if you want to know what you need to do, He will tell you.
It is good to be clean!