Tuesday, May 22, 2012

A Holy Longing

Has it really been that long since I have posted on here?

Well if you could jump inside my head (scary though it is) you would see me "posting" several times a day.

If I could only get my brain HERE every few days.

Here where the sheets are nice and cold, the beautiful music playing, the candle lit and the Holy Spirit reminding me of the days events and the goodness of the Lord.

THIS here is not where I am lately.

It is falling in bed after too late of nights and the sound of the traffic and trying to steal my share of covers from you know who.

But he is lovely so I will indulge him some coverage.

If you could get in my head it would take you to Robeks.


Do not pass "Go" do not "Collect two hundred dollars."

And if you have a Robeks you must go.

And if you are like me, you must go VERY often to um.....

WITNESS to the ladies there that make me delicious healthy shakes with extra probiotics and smile and give me more coupons to come back.

Ok witness is a stretch.

And saying that I go often to work on my boldness is a huge stretch.

Let us move on....

There you will find delicious treats made with coconut sugar and no gluten and almond butter and green things that make you feel great that you cannot even pronounce and are hidden beneath 70 percent cacao.

This place has been so lovely and yet has been my only temptation to shop lift in years.

Which is why I do not let myself bring any large purse in.

(do I have to even tell you I jest? :-)

And this place is a longing for me.

A LONGING, friends.

And I envision myself working there telling people the benefits of acai juice and wheat grass and how happy their bodies will feel as I chop fresh colored peppers for their spinach wrap.

And then I go home and almost smother walking past the laundry pile that I said I would get to, find a muddy mess in front of the kitchen sink from someone's last trip to get some water with dirty shoes,  see that the garbage is again overflowing and that no one has remembered that you should at least throw the old toilet paper roll out if you aren't even thinking of getting a new roll.

And standing before the microwave waiting for chicken breasts to thaw,  I can be found in a trance with my lips motioning the word but no sound emitting.


And someone has hit their head on their brothers bat as he was swinging, one ripped her skirt that took me hours to sew for her birthday and before I can process the newest and neediest complaints my hand grabs hold of a dish from the clean dishwasher with food cemented on it.

And I wonder why no one tells you while you are in labor for 15 plus hours that you will one day need those breathing techniques where you sound like a train coming. You will need them when you are NOT pregnant. You will just need them to survive until dinner is over.

If I thought I could sneak back to Robeks unnoticed during dinner I would.

Add a week of these moments and then find me in my room, candle lit, ready to do some stretches on my lovely flowered purple mat before bed at a half way decent time.

That is, I was ready until I sit on it and feel the dirt caked on it from the littles using it in the garage as a magic carpet.


And I grab the homemade cleaner and clean it and realize that I have sprayed so much cleaner on it that it just might dry out the next heat wave that reaches us.


And then it just happens.

I lean forward and just sprawl out right there before he Lord.

And I tell Him I desire Him.

I need Him.

I LONG for Him.

I LONG to see Him as the Psalmest says  in Psalm 63 and it becomes my prayer with my head buried in the floor:

 "O God, thou art my God; early will I seek thee: my soul thirsteth for thee, my flesh longeth for thee in a dry and thirsty land, where no water is;
To see thy power and thy glory, so as I have seen thee in the sanctuary.
Because thy lovingkindness is better than life, my lips shall praise thee.
Thus will I bless thee while I live: I will lift up my hands in thy name.
My soul shall be satisfied as with marrow and fatness; and my mouth shall praise thee with joyful lips:
When I remember thee upon my bed, and meditate on thee in the night watches.
Because thou hast been my help, therefore in the shadow of thy wings will I rejoice.
My soul followeth hard after thee: thy right hand upholdeth me."

And it has been a while since I just laid out before Him and waited for Him.

Lord I want to see you like I see you in the "sancturary." I see you magnified and lifted up, and I want to see you that way in my home. I want to see your power and glory at my dinner table and when I am disapointed because I was a mess during family devotions and complained about getting the kids in bed.

I LONG for you.

And I will be satisfied with YOU.

My soul and my flesh LONG for you in a dry and weary land, where no water is.

And it felt so wonderful to lay out before Him and expose all of my fears and weakness and failure and be reminded that there is "no condemnation" with my Lord. He meets with me, loves me and cherishes me no matter how ugly I feel inside and out.

And even when my faith is weak, when I have so many earthly idols I only see Him dimly He remains faithful.

2 Timothy 2:13 "If we believe not, yet he abideth faithful: he cannot deny himself."


 How I love this Father of mine. Meeting with all of His children at once, knowing our individual intricacies and faults alike and that after Robeks has come and gone He will still be faithful, still drawing me, still coveting each moment we have together on the bedroom floor alone.

How He scoops me up and shows me how His strength is made perfect in my weakness

2 Corinthians 12:9 "And he said unto me, My grace is sufficient for thee: for my strength is made perfect in weakness. Most gladly therefore will I rather glory in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me."

At the end of this long day, I want His power to rest upon me.

And I blow out the candle and smile at the prospect of a new day.




1 comment:

  1. I love how you reflect the thoughts of my heart, and I love Him for His faithfulness in allowing me to see the thoughts He's put on my heart in black and white to remind me and reaffirm their importance. Thank you for this. I needed it today.